A Sample Critique

Dear Dave,

I have now had a chance to read and consider THE TEMPLATE, which I found intriguing. Before I get to my comments, I would like to thank you for participating in the auction, and for supporting such an important cause.

Your writing is very accessible, with pleasant pacing. It flows along very nicely. It does seem a bit flat, however. There are no high points or dramatic devices. Everything is presented in the same way. You do have a strong sense of place, which I really appreciate. I always knew exactly where I was and that helped to ground the story. You could actually add even more, although what you have is good. There could be an ocean breeze wafting through the window, or you could show the characters brushing sand off their feet. That is a small point, but it can have a powerful effect. Coastal living adds a note of relaxation and breeziness, if that’s what you want to convey. And indeed, the characters don’t seem all that concerned about the global effects of Seth’s idea. And that’s where I began to question.

I’m not at all sure that I am comfortable with turning the ecosystem of the earth upside down. It makes me very uneasy. Maybe that’s what you intended, but it’s not presented in a negative way, like the evil mastermind in a James Bond movie. Instead it’s presented as a brilliant, workable idea. But is it? Does anyone even know the full effect that it would have? And is it really a good thing? Another major setback would be the response of the government to all this. How is it ever going to make it through Congress? It would take many years for something like this to happen, if it ever did. It would be argued about endlessly, and would probably end up requiring a two thirds majority in the Senate. Senators on both sides of the aisle would have plenty of objections. The American people would be up in arms.

Another question is that the whole thing is not believable. It’s presented almost casually–it’s a big deal, but no one seems all that concerned about it, except for safeguarding it. Cynthia turns sinister later on, but is she ever worried about what this will do to the planet, or is she interested only in herself? The way to make something believable is to explain it more. The explanation here is very light, almost passed over. And the problem with explaining science is the fear that it will be boring. The answer is not to skip the hard parts, but to make them interesting. Study the techniques of Michael Crighton. He was great at explaining science and making it plausible.

You have a strong idea here and it could be a lot of fun if you make it more convincing. It would help if you had more tension right from the start. Aside from a meeting with the Secretary of Agriculture, there was little for Seth to worry about, and that meant we weren’t worried either. And since the meeting goes fairly well, it seems like everything is going to proceed without incident. The entry of Ted doesn’t really help with the tension, because aside from wanting to be recognized and being able to educate the Secretary, he’s not all that worried either. If he is, it didn’t have much effect on me. He is not that interesting as a character to make me care what happens to him. By the way, wouldn’t the head of a Cabinet department be located in D.C.? What is he doing in Florida? It would make more sense if Seth flew up to Washington to see him, and it would also feel like a much bigger deal. Instead, Seth seems to just drive over and then go home, as if he were running out for a quart of milk. Since the meeting is so important to him, and he is nervous about it, a trip to D.C. would add to the drama.

Back to the characters. None of them really jumped out at me. Seth seems pleasant enough, but he has no particular characteristics. Neither do Renee or Calvin. We don’t know their other interests or quirks or activities. We know that Renee paints, but we don’t know much more and we never see her doing it. Cynthia has more of a personality. The only real tension I felt was the odd connection between Cynthia and Seth. They are friends, but they seem almost like more than friends. Renee puts up with this, but it’s very understandable that she would be concerned. There are boundaries in any relationship, and it makes sense that Renee’s unease is justified. On the level it’s perfectly fine, but because Seth and Cynthia are so close, it’s just a little off-center. I would be more comfortable if Cynthia turned into Sid or Mark or Jeffrey. Seth and Renee do seem close, but now I can’t remember what most of their conversation was about, because it was kind of flat. This is partly because they spend a lot of it talking about his big idea, and I don’t think the explanation of the idea should take place so much in dialogue. Maybe you’re trying to show and not tell, but creating too much narrative within the dialogue is really the same thing as an info dump. It makes the conversation seem forced, and forced is not appealing.

The best way to convey necessary information is to first set up a source of tension, something we can worry about. That will get us hooked. Once that is established, you can stop and give us the information and you can do it in a straight narrative. Narrative is not always a bad thing, especially when it’s telling a story within itself. If you explain the science with drama and high points and surprises, you will be weaving a tale. That’s what makes it interesting. And readers will stay with you, because you have already hooked us on the story by creating a source of tension, plus you have amped it up with some very credible science. If the readers get the science, they will feel smart. It’s your job to make it not only believable, but accessible. Once the readers have both a plot and some understanding of where you’re going with this, you will have their serious attention. Moreover, they know they need this information and they are very willing to absorb it in a narrative–once they know a story has been established. They will wait to get back to that story, because they have already been intrigued and now they want the info. I can’t stress this point enough.

What exactly is the resolution of this story? There doesn’t seem to be a definitive ending. That is never a good idea. Every book should stand on its own. If you assume there is going to be a sequel, it may never happen and you will have left your readers hanging forever. The only way a second book is going to happen is if the first book does well enough and no one can predict that.

But the real issue with this book is that it doesn’t know what it wants to be. You have set it up as a science-based thriller, but the science goes too far into the unreal, making it too much like science fiction. Straddling genres is not a good idea because they rarely mix well. Science fiction readers expect certain things, and those things are not delivered here because the science is too lightly explained and the idea is not even likable. And thriller readers want much more action. I don’t mean car chases necessarily, but the story has to keep us guessing and wondering. If you had to choose, I would say to make this into a thriller because they are more salable, except that the current style in thrillers is very different from this. They are now looking for unreliable narrators and very voicey or flippant narrators. GONE GIRL is the prime example of that, but there are many others. So this really can’t be a thriller. As science fiction, it needs much more grounding. This novel wouldn’t sell as it stands now because no one would know where to put it. It’s not their job to figure out where this fits. It’s yours.

A few more minor points. Trent would not be likely to speak of Sable the way he does. As a colleague, he would be more circumspect. What does finding the opossum have to do with anything? I didn’t get that. It’s not believable that Cal never knew about Cynthia. Seth sees her just about every day, and Cal never noticed? Renee’s pregnancy is much too casual. If you blink, you would miss it. It’s dropped in like a brief mention of the weather. This should have much more prominence. Why is it even there? It does nothing to forward the plot. It’s a nice addition, but not if you don’t do anything with it.

The idea that something is wrong with Seth didn’t feel right at all. It’s much too convenient. Of course we learn later that it’s all a setup, but I still wasn’t buying it. I could tell something was off. This is a problem, because it’s a big part of the drama you want to create. It might work better, at least on the thriller side, if Seth could see that someone is trying to hurt him but doesn’t know who it is. Then he would want to find out, adding tension and suspense.

You said that you are interested in all things living. If that is the case, I think you would hit closer to home with a more life-affirming story. If Seth is trying to save the world or cure an illness or defeat a virus, he would be much more heroic. As it is, he’s kind of a weird guy, because his idea is weird.

All in all, this has possibilities, but you need to decide where it would be shelved in a bookstore. If you don’t know, the publisher doesn’t know either. Study the market. See what’s selling. Amp up your characters and either make the idea of photosynthesizing animals either a very good thing or an evil thing. It’s sort of in between, and that makes it uncomfortable. Structure your story around that, with high points and a greater sense of drama.

Thanks again for participating in the auction and for remembering me. I’m so glad you found my feedback valuable before, and I hope you find it valuable now. Best of luck with your writing.

Sincerely,
Irene